All the exposes Rita Skeeter should have written

Rita Skeeter wrote damning reports on the likes of Harry, Hermione and Dumbledore in a world where Lord Voldemort was a thing. Rita, really? Pick your battles.

Not that we’re trying to encourage Rita, but if you’re going to tarnish someone’s reputation with your Quick-Quotes Quill, at least pick someone who deserves it.

During her problematic journalism career throughout the Harry Potter books, Rita worked hard to ruin the reps of pretty much everyone we actually liked with her damning Daily Prophet articles, such as Harry, Hagrid and Hermione. With Albus Dumbledore, our beloved national treasure, Rita went one worse, cashing in on his family tragedies with a full book all about it: The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore. For added measure, she flogged this after the poor man’s death.

Rita, here’s a tip: pick on someone your own size when you’re writing your life-ruining exposés — or at least someone with the same sized morals as you. In fact, here are a few suggestions of who to bug in the future.

Lord Voldemort is just a terrible person: the never-ending column

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Hey Rita, one of the Darkest wizards of all time called — he just wanted to say that he is absolutely terrible. Why, oh why, was Rita wasting her time writing about 14-year-olds and friendly half-giants when the cruellest and most powerful Dark wizard of all time was hanging around?

Rita spent a long time reporting on the fates of Voldemort’s Death Eaters, but what about the man himself? We thought Rita loved getting into the nitty gritty of her victims’ flaws — so who better than Lord V? She could write a whole column on his nose alone, and surely the hack would love to get some scoops on the ‘tragedy’ of Voldemort’s family — especially his doomed mother Merope?

The secret disgraces of Ludo Bagman

If Rita Skeeter loves anything, it’s ripping apart the reputations of beloved wizards and witches — much more fun than the famously bad ones. In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, we see a glimmer of Rita waiting to catch a hot scoop on former Quidditch ace Ludo Bagman, who had dealings with Death Eaters as well as a secret, crippling debt to goblins. Ludo Bagman’s squeaky-clean sporting-hero persona fascinated us, and we kind of hope Rita did find out about his life on the run.

Gadding with no one: the fictitious world of Gilderoy Lockhart

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From one liar to another, an exposé on fellow hyperbolic writer Gilderoy Lockhart may be a bit pot-calling-kettle-black for Rita. But while her erroneous tabloid journalism writing might have not been entirely factually accurate, Gilderoy Lockhart was passing off his entire bibliography as biographical rather than pure fiction. Surely Rita would love to get her teeth into the story of the Gadding with Ghouls writer, seeing as he didn’t actually gad with anybody. Also, Gilderoy’s tragic ending when he lost his memory is bound to tug a few heartstrings, and Rita does enjoy milking the emotional side of things, as well as all the scandal.

Gripes with Gellert Grindelwald

It’s alliterative, and it’s a fair-enough point. Rita may have skewered Albus Dumbledore to get that coveted spot at Flourish and Blotts, but Albus’s former friend was the one with all the bad ideas. If Rita wanted to get all preachy on a high horse, surely this was the wizard to choose. Yes, we do learn a little about Grindelwald during The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore, but it was very much the tip of the iceberg. For example, Gellert’s school life is briefly mentioned, and it was noted he was expelled from Durmstrang because of his ‘twisted experiments’. Call us macabre, but what exactly were those twisted experiments, per chance?

The Malfoy family: exposed

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As much as Draco Malfoy liked to rattle on about his father, we’re dying to know about all the less impressive things the Malfoy family did. Yes, we know they’re rich, have a big fancy house, and have a penchant for pure-blood pride, but these complex characters all seem to have light and shade to them, and a huge tell-all bumper biography would be very much appreciated. Narcissa Malfoy is a particularly interesting case, as she didn’t technically become a Death Eater but was fine with being embroiled in Lucius’s dark life.

And what about enigmatic old Lucius? Did Lucius Malfoy have a happy childhood? How does he keep his hair in such beautiful condition? What was his early friendship with Snape like? And while we’re asking questions, how much is in the Malfoy’s family vault at Gringotts, really?

The rise and fall of Dolores Umbridge

Everyone loves a comeback, but what’s the one thing people love more? When a bad guy gets their comeuppance. Yes, Dolores Umbridge had a cushy life for a while, exemplified by her abundance of kitten plates and rising career status. But when she fell, she fell hard, and then some centaurs carried her off for good measure.

Imagine a whole book on Umbridge’s life — again, what was her childhood like? How did she get so far with that girly giggle? And how terrible were her prejudices beyond what we already know?

Aberforth Dumbledore: seriously, what was all that about?

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Alright. Just kidding.

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